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“I’m a creep / I’m a weirdo / what the hell am I doing here / I don’t belong here” are not only words from Radiohead’s 1993 hit song Creep but also very prevalent thoughts associated with imposter syndrome. Simply put, imposter syndrome involves feelings of self-doubt and incompetence, as well as feeling like a fraud for reasons related to low self-esteem or high expectations which may be set from childhood. In other words, it is the inability to internalise one’s own achievements, giving us a delusional, distorted lens of our accomplishments and work ethic. 

While the entire subject of imposter syndrome sounds complex and enigmatic, we’re all familiar with it. It puts a name to a feeling of this shared sense of “not being good enough”, especially in this day and age. With the rise of social media and information being so readily available, it is impossible not to compare ourselves to others. With LinkedIn becoming a more widely-used platform among peers, we often find ourselves questioning our professional qualifications. We begin to doubt whether we deserve opportunities such as attending university overseas. Oftentimes in my personal life, I doubt my intelligence or expertise, although I am pursuing law in a renowned university overseas. Looking at my coursemates, I feel as though I haven’t done enough to be accepted into law school, like an invalid. However, my experience is not exclusive because there are people who have reflected, regardless of their credentials, on whether or not they deserve their place. 

By nature, symptoms of imposter syndrome are closely linked to other disorders on the DSM 5 cycle, such as depression and anxiety. These symptoms are highlighted in the cycle of imposter syndrome, highlighted by American psychologist Pauline Clance in stages. The beginning is usually triggered by a responsibility or task given to an individual, which generates initial feelings of anxiety about carrying out said task. This then leads to putting pressure on oneself which is coupled with the feeling of needing to be the best, caused by our self-curated thoughts of our abilities, which are doubted and cause this anxiety. 

This anxiety then leads to over-preparation, as one’s mind is flooded with the thought of needing to be the best in comparison to others, a thought curated solely by one’s own psyche. On top of this, the fear of failure ensues, causing an individual to over-work themselves, which is likely to cause them to burn out. As a result, finishing the task itself becomes a struggle due to the self-imposed expectations, where they will constantly feel their work is unsatisfactory regardless of the amount of effort put into it. Lastly, the individual would feel guilt about their success, feeling as though their work and efforts simply weren’t sufficient to warrant their accomplishment, despite the amount of work that went into a task. The entire process is an uphill battle in one’s head, as they struggle to feel like their work meets a standard we would find satisfactory. 

Following this explanation, the overlaps of perfectionism and imposter syndrome become clear. As someone feeling imposter-related anxiety overworks themselves due to the standards inflicted on them, they become neurotic. Neuroticism in itself includes over-criticism of one’s own work, which hinders progress, playing a large part in this vicious cycle. As students, it is highly likely we’ve all experienced this in one way or another. For example, the standard of university being so high and feeling unattainable because it feels so far from what we’ve come to expect at college or even high school. Personally, much of my procrastination stems from the fear that my work doesn’t meet the quality expected at university level; that once I submit my work that I can never feel satisfied with, my peers and lecturers will be able to see how clearly unqualified I am to be in tertiary education. 

Now that we’ve discussed the nature background of imposter syndrome, just like every psychology debate, we’ll be considering nurture. Nurture refers to an individual’s environment growing up. Just like everything else in life, one’s familial background has a huge impact on how one reacts to things, digests information, or develops relationships. The development of feelings of anxiety and distress surrounding imposter syndrome is no different. 

In research conducted by Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes, they focus on imposter syndrome through the eyes of women. However, as important as gender roles and sex-based expectations are in this department, it is vital to consider that the familial origins of imposter-related anxiety can be seen through an ungendered lens. In their research, two types of people who develop imposter syndrome are explained. The first one relates to parents comparing their child to either siblings or other family members, causing the child to seek to prove them wrong while still partly believing that their parents don’t think they are smart enough. Ultimately, it’s proven that the child is intelligent and has the accolades to prove that case, the parents are dismissive. These mixed messages from parents cause the emergence of the imposter phenomenon. The lack of assurance and approval from parents causes the child to doubt whether or not it was their intelligence that got them their accolades, as they begin to wonder if it was luck, charm, or even good looks behind their achievements.

The second scenario is almost the complete opposite. Where a child, from birth, is put on a pedestal. This my-child-can-never-do-wrong mindset from the parents gives the child a sense of security and makes them believe they are, in fact, perfect. Their parents may continue to praise them on how intelligent they were as children and how early they learnt to read, which makes them believe they were perfect from the start, and they hang on to these achievements for the rest of their lives. However, as the child grows up and ventures out into the world, they will realise that they aren’t perfect and that there are certain things they just cannot do. This child has internalised and accepted their parents’ projected view of perfection and feels like a fraud for not being immediately good at something. 

Though on opposite sides of the spectrum, both upbringings lead to unease, instability, and a lack of trust when they enter the real world. This leads to developing imposter syndrome as they venture into their adult lives, where they will have to achieve things on their own. Both upbringings lead to self-doubt when it comes to achievements; either they don’t believe they are capable and fail to internalise the fact that they have experienced success, or they have a skewed view of their abilities and feel like they’ve deluded themselves in regard to their abilities. 

So, what does this have to do with us? As a predominantly Malaysian and international audience studying abroad, coming into adulthood overseas has most definitely included feelings of imposter anxiety. Regardless of our achievements leading us up to this point, sometimes we may feel like we didn’t actually deserve the opportunity to leave our home countries for further education. Then we feel guilt for leaving, for taking these opportunities that very well exist back home. Being in a foreign land already gives us a sense of unease, adding the pressure of fitting in along with the pressure to succeed as the stakes are higher the further we are from home. Having to repeat my Arabic name several times so people get it right, explaining why I chose to come to the UK and why I didn’t stay home instead are moments where I personally feel like I don’t belong. 

But even though I have the sense I don’t necessarily belong, it’s a universal feeling everybody goes through. Concluding this piece is difficult because what is there really to say about how to overcome imposter syndrome? Do we continue to delude ourselves into thinking we’re not good enough? Do we stick to what our parents taught us as children, regardless if they were supportive or not? Do we accept that we have a breakdown every time we need to get an assignment done? All good and valid questions, but these answers we seek can only be given to ourselves. We can choose to work towards appreciating our efforts more and internalising our success. We create images of ourselves that we can never live up to, but if we were to look at ourselves through the eyes of others, we could understand that maybe that is possible.